Have you ever wondered if you find that one? You know the one, the one who cares for you as much as you care for them and are willing to do anything for you, to be both friend and love. As society is becoming more and more accepting to the differences in other, it makes me think:
"What does that mean for me?"
I identify as a bisexual female and I am quite open about it. However, lately, I have been quite confused about weither or not this is true. Yes, I am attracted to both men and women but what do I really know? I have never been in a serious relationship to figure this out. Hell, I have yet to have my first kiss, as sad as that is.
But in order to find out, I need to find people who I am not only attracted to, but who are attracted to me. This is probably the depth of my confusion. I have yet to meet anyone like this. And I am beginning to think I won't. This is not "poor me, poor me, I'm hidious". Yes I am self contous about my looks and I do not think I am as attractive as I could be, but I know I have good points that make me a good person. I can work on my apperance, so that is not the issue.
The issue is courage. MY entire life, I have gone through ups and downs, like everyone else, so I'm not going to give you a "pity me" story. But I do have problems with courage. I can not really do anything new in fear of getting hurt, physically or emotionally. This is normal for most people as well. My family thinks that if you are 18 and haven't gone just short of sex with someone, you fail at life. (Please note, this is my opinion based off that actions and reactions of my relatives.)
I'm also consered that I am not really attracted to anyone, I am just forcing myself to believe it. Maybe I'm straight, lesbian, bisexual, etc. I really don't know! And it is driving me nuts! I'm really just afraid that, to quote my friend, I am just "in love with love". I want to be in a realationship almost as much as I want to be a writer or start a family. On a scale of 1 to 10, its about an 8.5.
I don't like to talk about this topic much because I end up getting frusterated to everyone I talk to and just say "forget it". I don't want to forget it, I want to find out! And I do have a tendency to fall for a girl who is either straight or dating. Sometimes even both! For guys: gay, dating, both.
I wish I could say I am quite positive that I shall find the answer. But at the moment, the belivability of that is pretty low.
Sorry about the rant, just needed to get that off my chest.
Peace, Love, and All That Jazz,
~Talls
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
School and Stuff
Ok, stuff going on is better...somewhat...sorry for the overly long post last time...
Anyways! I have decided that I am going to move to my dads and go to the community college with my step-brother. (They have a sign language course I wanna take >_>) Along with that, I have finally stood up to my mother. (Bad end results but I felt good standing up for my self.)
At school, for my art class, my assignment was to create a graphic novel. For me, way harder said then done. But I am quite proud of myself. Every character has a history, personality, purpose, etc. And to add to that, I have gotten the rough draft of the first 5 pages done, have done the final outline for the first page, almost gotten the screen tone page done, my digital color page is almost done and my colored pencil page is almost done as well! And they are actually turning out quite good! I'm totally shocked to tell you the truth. O-O
Plus, for the rest of school, all my work is getting turned in and I am actually enjoying my Show Choir class. Another shock. However, according to my choreographer, I need to be "sexier". Sorry, "sexy" isn't exactly a adjective for me. =/ But I'll try anyways. Its my last semester of my senior year, I don't think it matters if I make a fool of myself.
I have decided on a prom dress, now it is the process of getting it for me. (In other words, my mom is beig cheap and expects my dad to pay 70%...when she said she was going to buy it for me. =/)
Prom. Check.
College. Check.
School. Check.
So far so good! :D Next time I write, I hope to post some pictures of my dress and my comic page(s).
Peace, Love, and All That Jazz,
~Talls
Anyways! I have decided that I am going to move to my dads and go to the community college with my step-brother. (They have a sign language course I wanna take >_>) Along with that, I have finally stood up to my mother. (Bad end results but I felt good standing up for my self.)
At school, for my art class, my assignment was to create a graphic novel. For me, way harder said then done. But I am quite proud of myself. Every character has a history, personality, purpose, etc. And to add to that, I have gotten the rough draft of the first 5 pages done, have done the final outline for the first page, almost gotten the screen tone page done, my digital color page is almost done and my colored pencil page is almost done as well! And they are actually turning out quite good! I'm totally shocked to tell you the truth. O-O
Plus, for the rest of school, all my work is getting turned in and I am actually enjoying my Show Choir class. Another shock. However, according to my choreographer, I need to be "sexier". Sorry, "sexy" isn't exactly a adjective for me. =/ But I'll try anyways. Its my last semester of my senior year, I don't think it matters if I make a fool of myself.
I have decided on a prom dress, now it is the process of getting it for me. (In other words, my mom is beig cheap and expects my dad to pay 70%...when she said she was going to buy it for me. =/)
Prom. Check.
College. Check.
School. Check.
So far so good! :D Next time I write, I hope to post some pictures of my dress and my comic page(s).
Peace, Love, and All That Jazz,
~Talls
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Grr...High School...Life...Everything Just Sucks Right Now
And so I have found not only my password to this blog but the URL as well. I am such a pitiful creature I have forgotten.
Joy.
For those few of you reading, this will be an angst post so if you don't like, don't read. I am seriously not in the mood to hear about it.
For those of you interested, continue to read. This is a long post but I hope you will bare with me.
*Sigh* So, it has been almost a year since I have last posted. Again, I am such a pitiful creature that I forgot my password and email, not to mention the Internet computer crashed on me.
F*** my life.
Anyways, as my last year in high school I should be excited about many, many things. These things may include:
1. Graduation
2. College
3. Licence
4. Prom
5. Summer
6. Summer Job
7. Sleeping in
8. Spending time with friends
9. Meeting new people
10. Family time
However, there are several things wrong with this list alone. I will begin from the top and work my way down.
Please fasten your seat belts for a rant that will be very long, most likely very repetitive and, most likely, very controversial.
1. Graduation. OK. The good news is that I will be graduating on time. Lots of family are coming and, apparently, lots of praise will ensue. Bad news? I have to drive almost a half an hour to just get to the ceremony. Why? Because I was kicked out of my mother's house and so I have to move in with my father. Believe me, that is not totally a bad thing, I want to go there. However, I had hoped to a) be able to go there by choice not by last resort and b) spend time with my grandparents who are coming in for the summer. But no. My mother had to be a pain in the ass and kick me out. Granted, she is letting me stay for the rest of the school year. However, she point blandly DENYS that such a claim was made.
Sorry mom, but how you did it really isn't easy to forget.
*Sigh* Since I am ranting about everything bothering me in this post, I might as tell that story.
OK, I'm 17 at the time right? I felt really sick and so, I told my mom I didn't want to go to school. She said I had to.
Now, before this, people (including my mother) had told me I need to stand up for myself. So, what did I do? I told her I was not going. I would take the unexcused if she wouldn't call me in. This lead to the battle of words.
"You are going."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm not."
This went on for quite a few minutes until she got fed up. She turned around and said something along the lines of (I was hanging my head over the toilet at this point, feeling even worse now, so I didn't pay all that much attention) that she was going to get gas and that I better be ready by the time she got back.
And as you might guess, when she got back, I was in the same place I was before, sitting by the toilet. So what does she do? She begins to yell at me. This isn't new or intimidating. Every moment she gets, she seems to be yelling at someone. Me, my sister, my grandparents, my dad (and please take note, my parents are divorce), and anyone within her family. Of course she will not yell at, or around, someone outside the family circle. She has to keep up appearances you know.
Anyways, she's yelling at me to get up and I keep saying (shaking my head) no. Suddenly, she grabs me by the upper arm and begins to grab me across the floor (I thank the goddess that she has hardwood floor and not carpet) while taking to me like I'm four. I resist, pulling at her hand because she has such a tight grip on me, its starting to hurt. She then almost throws me down the stairs (I am so glad I didn't fall) and said, and I quote this word for word:
"That's it, you're done! Pack your things, you are gone!" And she stomps out of the house.
I'm in tears at this point. I sit on the floor crying for a few minutes then I stand up, wipe my eyes, go to the basement, find some tubs and take them back to my room. From there I start packing. I didn't care where I went, how I would get to school, how I would get anywhere at all due to the fact that I have no licence (sad, no?) or how I would survive on my own. My only thought was getting out and getting away.
By the time I had most of my closet cleared, my dad called. He's trying to understand what is going on. My mom called him yelling/crying/swearing and all he could understand was that it had to do with me. She only calls him when she doesn't get her way and it involved us. Usually, it was my sister who got the calls from dad so when he called her and she was on her way to her fancy school did he call me. And he didn't really understand me cuz I was still crying. When I told him I was packing, like my mother had told me to, he said I was over reacting and, I admit, maybe I was. But those bins are still packed and my closet is still empty. I don't want to unpack so I can't lose my nerve to actually leave (will get to that later).
Anyways, I'm crying like a baby (not something at unusual for me) and he offered to have my step mom pick me up and take me to his house. Its the day before break and I was suppose to go to his house in a few days, I had been suckered into staying with my mom for a few days. My sister's birthday was that week, the main reason I agreed. Anyways, I said yes and he told me to pack and be ready.
I was more than ready. My stuff was packed and I was on the porch waiting. I couldn't wait to get away.
In order to go to my dad's I had to explain to Lena (my step mom) what had happened. The step mom story is for another time but lets just say, she was more of a mom to me then my biological mom. So I told her. And she was not totally on my side, but she did not agree with my mom's actions at all. I cried myself to sleep in her car.
When we got to the house, she had to get ready for work. I went to my room, threw on my fuzziest PJ's and my giant dog slippers (I love those things to death), grabbed my laptop, settled down on the couch in front of the TV with a blanket and a box of tissues. I was still terribly upset with the entire ordeal. I may have turned on the TV but I don't remember what I watched and I know I turned on my laptop, but all I did was log in. I just sat there is a daze for a good few hours.
It was a quiet weekend, my dad and his wife had made plans with other couples, not thinking I was going to be there. I really didn't mind. Gave me some time to myself, much needed time. My mom tried to call me several times, but I ignored her every single time. I deleted her texts and her voicemail. I even changed her contact name in my phone from "Mom" to "*insert mother's real name here*". I know that sounds immature. I know it and I admit it. But at the time, it helped.
My sister came a few days later and she was PISSED. Not just because of what my mother said (in fact that was just a minor contribution) but to the fact that her entire birthday, she had spent it in her room by herself. Why? Enter mom's boyfriend.
Now, we hate this guy. Hell, I hate him even more now. This guy might as well be an antique doll he's so fragile. And my mom waits on him hand and foot. It pisses me off that she tells me not to change for a guy and she did it over night. I'll get to that later. (Man, this is going to be a long post. I apologize.)
We had had a very large snowfall. I won't deny that. However, my mom's boyfriend has a bad back right? So my mom invites him over until the snow slows. That's not terrible right? But not only did they ignore my sister when she told them, over and over, that the snow had stopped and they could shovel out his driveway so I could go home but my mother let hims stay the night. I repeat. SHE LETS HIM STAY THE NIGHT! A non family member male has not stayed the night in this house since my father left. And she had promised, PROMISED, that should would not do that until we (we being me and my sister) were comforable with him. Not only did she break that promise, she, offically, broke our trust. And she didn't have him stay one night, oh no. She had him stay THREE nights. Count them! 1! 2! 3! So my poor sister (I can't believe I am saying those words in the same sentance) stayed up in her room, without coming down for three days. And my mom didn't come upstaires for three days. I don't even want to think about what they were doing.
....
Ew. No.
Me and my mom haven't been on good terms since. Kindof sad actually. I had always invisioned me and my mother having a good relationship when I graduated high school. And that bubble sure has been popped.
Almost everyone...wait scratch that. As far as I know, EVERYONE in the family hates the boyfriend. Even the people I didn't even know could hate, hate him. He gives me the creeps. My mom can do so much better. He gives me wierd looks too.... *shiver*
Moving on to number 2. College. Hell, I knew I was not going to get a good scholorship. Basicly everyone knew. So when a school gave me a scholorship, I was confused (I found out later that I only got the scholorship because of the state I live in.) But everyone was all for me going to Community College. But after the fight with my mom, all of the sudden, she thinks its a "Good Idea" for me to just jump into a 4-year university. My opinion on why? There is more than one:
My last friend I really do admire. Maybe that's why I like her the way I do. So strong and confident with herself, as most of my friends are. She just seems to shine on her own and is able to bring up (or down) any situation. And she has gone through a lot since I have known her. But she expecially, seems to be more short with me.
Everyone seems to be drifting away and I'm left alone in the dark. "Well, you could always make new friends." The problem is, I'm not secure with myself. From years of telling myself I'm worthless, agreeing with the bullies who beat on me, it has really taken their toll. I am very surpised that I have the friends I do but to see them moving away from me hurts me like nothing else. Even getting kicked out of the house didn't hurt this much. Even now, I'm crying, as pathetic as that may be. I don't want to be the person who knew all these people and 10, 20 30 years later, they don't remember you at all. You're just a name and a faint memory.
Friend: "Talls...That sounds familiar...Did you go to school with me?"
Me: "Yeah, we hung our together actually."
Freind: "Really? ....Huh...Sorry don't remember."
That would just tear my heart out and have it sent through a blender.
*Sigh*
9. Meeting new people. Agian, not so good at that. I'm very much a wallflower who is very scared about going out into the world. Not the adult world, I'm ok with that, but the young adult world of parties and socialization. I am DREADING that.
And finally, 10. Family time. At my dad's, no prob. But even now, I feel weird living in my mother's house. Being around her boyfriend and his kids. *shiver* Sure they are not in the house much anymore but you can feel their eyes... *shivers more* My grandparents are coming in to see me and I'll have to drive for a half an hour or so to see them. It makes me really sad to see my life coming to this. It hurts and I feel sick.
And now, da rant is complete. For all of you that have read this to the end, thanks for putting up with me. If you want, leave a comment. But please don't be rude.
Until next time, which hopefully will be a happier post (I'm 98% sure it will be),
Peace, Love and All That Jazz,
~Talls
Joy.
For those few of you reading, this will be an angst post so if you don't like, don't read. I am seriously not in the mood to hear about it.
For those of you interested, continue to read. This is a long post but I hope you will bare with me.
*Sigh* So, it has been almost a year since I have last posted. Again, I am such a pitiful creature that I forgot my password and email, not to mention the Internet computer crashed on me.
F*** my life.
Anyways, as my last year in high school I should be excited about many, many things. These things may include:
1. Graduation
2. College
3. Licence
4. Prom
5. Summer
6. Summer Job
7. Sleeping in
8. Spending time with friends
9. Meeting new people
10. Family time
However, there are several things wrong with this list alone. I will begin from the top and work my way down.
Please fasten your seat belts for a rant that will be very long, most likely very repetitive and, most likely, very controversial.
1. Graduation. OK. The good news is that I will be graduating on time. Lots of family are coming and, apparently, lots of praise will ensue. Bad news? I have to drive almost a half an hour to just get to the ceremony. Why? Because I was kicked out of my mother's house and so I have to move in with my father. Believe me, that is not totally a bad thing, I want to go there. However, I had hoped to a) be able to go there by choice not by last resort and b) spend time with my grandparents who are coming in for the summer. But no. My mother had to be a pain in the ass and kick me out. Granted, she is letting me stay for the rest of the school year. However, she point blandly DENYS that such a claim was made.
Sorry mom, but how you did it really isn't easy to forget.
*Sigh* Since I am ranting about everything bothering me in this post, I might as tell that story.
OK, I'm 17 at the time right? I felt really sick and so, I told my mom I didn't want to go to school. She said I had to.
Now, before this, people (including my mother) had told me I need to stand up for myself. So, what did I do? I told her I was not going. I would take the unexcused if she wouldn't call me in. This lead to the battle of words.
"You are going."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm not."
This went on for quite a few minutes until she got fed up. She turned around and said something along the lines of (I was hanging my head over the toilet at this point, feeling even worse now, so I didn't pay all that much attention) that she was going to get gas and that I better be ready by the time she got back.
And as you might guess, when she got back, I was in the same place I was before, sitting by the toilet. So what does she do? She begins to yell at me. This isn't new or intimidating. Every moment she gets, she seems to be yelling at someone. Me, my sister, my grandparents, my dad (and please take note, my parents are divorce), and anyone within her family. Of course she will not yell at, or around, someone outside the family circle. She has to keep up appearances you know.
Anyways, she's yelling at me to get up and I keep saying (shaking my head) no. Suddenly, she grabs me by the upper arm and begins to grab me across the floor (I thank the goddess that she has hardwood floor and not carpet) while taking to me like I'm four. I resist, pulling at her hand because she has such a tight grip on me, its starting to hurt. She then almost throws me down the stairs (I am so glad I didn't fall) and said, and I quote this word for word:
"That's it, you're done! Pack your things, you are gone!" And she stomps out of the house.
I'm in tears at this point. I sit on the floor crying for a few minutes then I stand up, wipe my eyes, go to the basement, find some tubs and take them back to my room. From there I start packing. I didn't care where I went, how I would get to school, how I would get anywhere at all due to the fact that I have no licence (sad, no?) or how I would survive on my own. My only thought was getting out and getting away.
By the time I had most of my closet cleared, my dad called. He's trying to understand what is going on. My mom called him yelling/crying/swearing and all he could understand was that it had to do with me. She only calls him when she doesn't get her way and it involved us. Usually, it was my sister who got the calls from dad so when he called her and she was on her way to her fancy school did he call me. And he didn't really understand me cuz I was still crying. When I told him I was packing, like my mother had told me to, he said I was over reacting and, I admit, maybe I was. But those bins are still packed and my closet is still empty. I don't want to unpack so I can't lose my nerve to actually leave (will get to that later).
Anyways, I'm crying like a baby (not something at unusual for me) and he offered to have my step mom pick me up and take me to his house. Its the day before break and I was suppose to go to his house in a few days, I had been suckered into staying with my mom for a few days. My sister's birthday was that week, the main reason I agreed. Anyways, I said yes and he told me to pack and be ready.
I was more than ready. My stuff was packed and I was on the porch waiting. I couldn't wait to get away.
In order to go to my dad's I had to explain to Lena (my step mom) what had happened. The step mom story is for another time but lets just say, she was more of a mom to me then my biological mom. So I told her. And she was not totally on my side, but she did not agree with my mom's actions at all. I cried myself to sleep in her car.
When we got to the house, she had to get ready for work. I went to my room, threw on my fuzziest PJ's and my giant dog slippers (I love those things to death), grabbed my laptop, settled down on the couch in front of the TV with a blanket and a box of tissues. I was still terribly upset with the entire ordeal. I may have turned on the TV but I don't remember what I watched and I know I turned on my laptop, but all I did was log in. I just sat there is a daze for a good few hours.
It was a quiet weekend, my dad and his wife had made plans with other couples, not thinking I was going to be there. I really didn't mind. Gave me some time to myself, much needed time. My mom tried to call me several times, but I ignored her every single time. I deleted her texts and her voicemail. I even changed her contact name in my phone from "Mom" to "*insert mother's real name here*". I know that sounds immature. I know it and I admit it. But at the time, it helped.
My sister came a few days later and she was PISSED. Not just because of what my mother said (in fact that was just a minor contribution) but to the fact that her entire birthday, she had spent it in her room by herself. Why? Enter mom's boyfriend.
Now, we hate this guy. Hell, I hate him even more now. This guy might as well be an antique doll he's so fragile. And my mom waits on him hand and foot. It pisses me off that she tells me not to change for a guy and she did it over night. I'll get to that later. (Man, this is going to be a long post. I apologize.)
We had had a very large snowfall. I won't deny that. However, my mom's boyfriend has a bad back right? So my mom invites him over until the snow slows. That's not terrible right? But not only did they ignore my sister when she told them, over and over, that the snow had stopped and they could shovel out his driveway so I could go home but my mother let hims stay the night. I repeat. SHE LETS HIM STAY THE NIGHT! A non family member male has not stayed the night in this house since my father left. And she had promised, PROMISED, that should would not do that until we (we being me and my sister) were comforable with him. Not only did she break that promise, she, offically, broke our trust. And she didn't have him stay one night, oh no. She had him stay THREE nights. Count them! 1! 2! 3! So my poor sister (I can't believe I am saying those words in the same sentance) stayed up in her room, without coming down for three days. And my mom didn't come upstaires for three days. I don't even want to think about what they were doing.
....
Ew. No.
Me and my mom haven't been on good terms since. Kindof sad actually. I had always invisioned me and my mother having a good relationship when I graduated high school. And that bubble sure has been popped.
Almost everyone...wait scratch that. As far as I know, EVERYONE in the family hates the boyfriend. Even the people I didn't even know could hate, hate him. He gives me the creeps. My mom can do so much better. He gives me wierd looks too.... *shiver*
Moving on to number 2. College. Hell, I knew I was not going to get a good scholorship. Basicly everyone knew. So when a school gave me a scholorship, I was confused (I found out later that I only got the scholorship because of the state I live in.) But everyone was all for me going to Community College. But after the fight with my mom, all of the sudden, she thinks its a "Good Idea" for me to just jump into a 4-year university. My opinion on why? There is more than one:
- Revenge
- Money
- Pride
That's what I got. All three connect. Because she kicked me out, she doesn't want to admit that she made a mistake and doesn't want my dad to have me. This is because, if I go to a 4-year college, she can keep me on her tax return. If I stay with her until June, she gets to keep me on her tax return. Let me just tell you, that is not happening. She already doesn't spend the big ol' childsupport check my dad sends her every month on us and, in all honesty, I'm sick of it. THERE ARE SPRINGS POKING OUT OF MY MATTERESS AND INTO MY BACK FOR GODDESS SAKE! But do I get a new one? Noooo. "We have to wait for a sale and you need to clean your room. I don't make money like your faaaather." Woman, he does not make that much more that you. I know that, I looked at his budget.
So, anyways, I'm going to a Community College with my step brother. My mom (once again) tried to scare me into not going using him as "You will always be in his shadow". *Rolls eyes* You did that last year lady, when I was going to move in with dad for my senior year.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twise, shame on me.
Its not going to work this time.
Ok, 3. Lisence. OMG!! I'M 18 YEARS OLD! SIGN ME UP FOR A ROAD TEST ALREADY! I HAVE THE TIP!!! "Sorry, you need to practice more." Pfft. "When I have the time I'll do it." Woman! Make the time! I am your daughter! Stop drooling over your non-attractive boyfriend and pay attention to your children please!
4. Prom. Ok, prom dress shopping. Mother and daughter thing right? Sort of. One day I went with my step mom, one day I went with my friends, one day I went with my aunt, one hour I want with my mom. I'm stuck on 2 at the moment. Trying REEEAAAAALLLLLY hard to deside.
But with prom, one would expect a girl to have a date or at least be going with friends right? almost true. There was someone I wanted to ask but she (yes she, it is a girl) told me she liked someone else before I even got the chance to ask. *Shoot in the heart* And as for going with friends, all my friends have dates. I feel like the thrid-wheel...again. =/
5. Summer. YAY! POOL! BEACH! WATER! SUN! ...A much needed work out. Grr. I'm the heaviest I've been my entire life and I look like crap. I have got to do something about. But stress is not helping.
6. Summer Job. The only thing bad about this is I don't know what part I'm playing this year =( Thats all (thank the goddess).
7. Sleeping in. Job, working out, getting ready for college, moving. =/ I need to write up a scheduale I think...
8.Spending time with friends. Ok, what friends? I thought I had some, sure. I thought I had friends that would do anything for me as I would do anything for them. But lately...that doesn't seem like much of the case. I feel very much on the outside of our little group. Some tend to ignore me, or disinclude me. It hurts, it really does. I have had so many bad friends in the past and thought that I finally, finally, had found some that would last. But lately...that doesn't seem to be the case.
One of my friends is very sick, and every day I think about her. I want to help but I really don't know how. I look at my phone all the time to see if she called me while I'm too afraid to call her, afraid that I'll say something stupid or insensitive, which seems to be the case alot lately. She just seems to ignore me now adays...
Another friend. Sweetest girl you will ever meet and I love her to death. But even she seems to be drifting away from me. And that hurts alot.
One other friend is not only like our little star in everything she does (and doesn't realize it) but she spends alot of her time talking about her boyfriend. ok, don't exactly like the guy but I don't exactly hate him either. She can do sooo much better but...she's happy.
My guy friend, seems to spend less time with the group all together. Its understandable, he is the only guy and needs guy time, but I just wish he would spend some time with us.
There is this other girl, most wonderful, random and honest person I know. Not a bit of hate in her entire body, but she has other friends she hangs out with so I don't see her much as it is. And when she does spend time with us, it sometimes feels like...I don't know...its hard to explain, I just feel kindof let out.
One friend, I had only resently been reaquanted with. She used to be one of those bad friends who would beat the crap out of me. But unlike the others, she got help and senserly wanted to be my friend again. She is also the only other senior in our group. And even she is abit distant.My last friend I really do admire. Maybe that's why I like her the way I do. So strong and confident with herself, as most of my friends are. She just seems to shine on her own and is able to bring up (or down) any situation. And she has gone through a lot since I have known her. But she expecially, seems to be more short with me.
Everyone seems to be drifting away and I'm left alone in the dark. "Well, you could always make new friends." The problem is, I'm not secure with myself. From years of telling myself I'm worthless, agreeing with the bullies who beat on me, it has really taken their toll. I am very surpised that I have the friends I do but to see them moving away from me hurts me like nothing else. Even getting kicked out of the house didn't hurt this much. Even now, I'm crying, as pathetic as that may be. I don't want to be the person who knew all these people and 10, 20 30 years later, they don't remember you at all. You're just a name and a faint memory.
Friend: "Talls...That sounds familiar...Did you go to school with me?"
Me: "Yeah, we hung our together actually."
Freind: "Really? ....Huh...Sorry don't remember."
That would just tear my heart out and have it sent through a blender.
*Sigh*
9. Meeting new people. Agian, not so good at that. I'm very much a wallflower who is very scared about going out into the world. Not the adult world, I'm ok with that, but the young adult world of parties and socialization. I am DREADING that.
And finally, 10. Family time. At my dad's, no prob. But even now, I feel weird living in my mother's house. Being around her boyfriend and his kids. *shiver* Sure they are not in the house much anymore but you can feel their eyes... *shivers more* My grandparents are coming in to see me and I'll have to drive for a half an hour or so to see them. It makes me really sad to see my life coming to this. It hurts and I feel sick.
And now, da rant is complete. For all of you that have read this to the end, thanks for putting up with me. If you want, leave a comment. But please don't be rude.
Until next time, which hopefully will be a happier post (I'm 98% sure it will be),
Peace, Love and All That Jazz,
~Talls
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