Of Course.

Being sick and lack of sleep don't seem to be too far off from each other do they?

So I missed Imbolc due to my sickness and such, which sucks. I am determined to celebrate Ostara.

With these Sabbats, I begin to wonder how fortunate I am. My dad is a bit shocked that I am actually serious about being a Wiccan. And I can see that it freaks him out a bit. But he still lets me practice. In the garage so I don't set anything on fire but still! He lets me practice and lets me believe what I want. (Though I'm sure if I was purposefully hurting myself or others, he would step in, thank the Goddess.) There would be no way for me to celebrate the Sabbats if I had stayed with my mother. She would have flipped a shit. Or however that phrase goes. I try to stay in good graces, I still go through all the Jewish holidays, but it feels odd to me when I do. Do I disrespect it, absolutely not! I was born into that religion, it will always be a part of me, but it is just not what I believe. I just really wish she would see that and accept me.

Though, she doesn't really accept me being bi either. Ah well.

But this brings me to another point. Because of my lack of health and sleep no doubt, I am having strange dreams. Dreams about my wedding of all things. I'M NOT EVEN DATING ANYONE!

But the thought that someone could love me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me is comforting. But these dreams are so weird. My partner (who I can not tell is male or female mind you) is obviously not of my faith. And, I can tell that a lot of people are uncomfortable because it says in the program that the ceremony is more pagan than a "mainstream" religion. And yet, my partner is going through his with me. And it warms my heart. Wicca is an important part of my life, so it felt nice. A few people walked out during the ceremony I think from both our sides. But we were married and we were happy.

And then my alarm woke me up.

Go f-ing figure.

And that is my rant for the night!


Peace, Love and All that Jazz,
~talls

Gender and Apperance

Well, a lot of stuff has been going on. Nothing really with me other than I have not slept well in 3 going on 4 weeks. I am dying. And I keep getting sick because of that (I think...). And school isn't going great so I have to do better >(

But, a bunch of other stuff has been going on. A friend of mine is apparently a transgender. She is now Lyra instead of J (I never did know if that stood for something) so we now call her L, and she has boobs! I just noticed, and I have began to wonder, when did this happen? I also learned she has great taste in shoes, we have the same shirt and I am going to start dressing more like a girl.

This is another thing. I don't care for my appearance as much as I should. I don't wear make up usually, I wear baggy clothes and with my shortish hair, I keep being mistaken as guy at my gas station that I keep promising myself I am never going to again and I keep going to because it is convenient. And a lot of times, I find myself wondering, am I a boy or a girl? Sure, I am not a typical teenage/young adult girl you usually see on tv. I am more of a geek, I tend not to like shopping to much and I find myself... gravitating towards more masculine things. I find myself wanting to bind my breasts and dress myself in a way that is masculine. And, be being bi is not helping me figure this out. But does this make me think I am trans?

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a transgender person.

My reasoning for this conclusion is this. When I envision myself in the future, most of the ideas of what I want to do and what I want to be is pretty androgynous. But there is one focus that convinces me that I identify as a woman.

I want to be a mother.

I want to have a family but I want to conceive and carry a child and give birth to a child. Which is sort of a let down for me because I can not conceive a child. I don't know why but there is a chance that I will not be able to get pregnant.

But, I have decided that I am of the female gender. This I am sure about. It was a sort of revelation. And with me losing weight, I am becoming more aware of my feminine body and I can see myself in a better light.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not horribly over weight, I am considered overweight by my doctor but I am not obese by my doctors standard. For my height, my goal weight, is 145 lbs. When I started my diet, I was 181.6 lbs. I am now 174 lbs. I am quite happy to how this is going so far and I have had my ups and downs. And I am working on an work out program (and I am finding myself very sore because of it :P ).

We had friends over last weekend and I have not seen these people in awhile. And it was a pretty sad night. The grown up girls went off to do their own thing, the teen boys did their own thing, the grown up guys did their own thing and then there was me. And I was fine by this, I wasn't feeling well so it was whatever. But I was told they could tell I was losing weight because my face looked thinner, and this is true! I looked at a picture of me from New Year and my face is thinner. My pants, my brand new pants, also don't fit as nice anymore. (Yay for belts!) This isn't too bad but they were expensive! That is the only thing.

But, as I was looking in my mirror, I saw my ideal self. My hair was longer, I was wearing clothes that showed my navel and I had a piercing there and I could see the tips of my tattoos. And it occurred to me that, I could do this. And I found it very empowering.

So, I am working on getting the body I want and the appearance I want. I am going to get (one) of my tattoos when I hit my ideal weight. I am going to get my second tattoo after 6 months of keeping my ideal weight or going to a different ideal weight. And then I get that piercing the summer after I hit 145.

So yeah. I am slowly dying from dry cough due to my lack of sleep, it is nearly 1 am and I am still up because I can't sleep.


Peace, Love, and All That Jazz,
~Talls

V-Day Blues

So today is Valentine’s Day. And I am single on Valentine’s Day. Normally this wouldn’t bother me. I mean, I’ve been single on Valentines Day for 18 years before, not much changing now. And this morning, I forgot it was Febuary 14, I thought it was a normal Tuesday. Then, my step mom comes downstairs and she is holding a big box of chocolate. Then it clicks. I know why she is slightly unhappy now. My dad had surgery on his crotch area and so no sex for my step mom. But she and my dad are going out tonight so its not that big of a deal.

Still not a big deal being single on V-Day. I had plans. Go to class, draw, do me stuff. My stepbrother had a web chat planned with some girl he knows from Russia…either his girlfriend or his ex, I can’t really tell. My friends were all out with their significant others and my single friends are planning at a bar. One I was not invited to due to my underage-ness. Still not a big deal. Maybe I would run across the street to get a bag of V-Day chocolate on sale at the drug store across the street.

Then it happened. I got a message from a friend of my ex. While my ex and I were still together, we had planned to get together for V-Day. Movie, dinner, hotel room. Very sweet, very romantic. I have been able to push that out of my mind until after this moment.

So, ex’s friend contacted me and told me my ex, his boyfriend and the chick who he cheated on me with were all going through with the plans me and my ex were going to do together. Did this tick me off? Yes! He then had the gull to ask what my plans were.

I told him I had a very romantic evening planned.

I was happy that I was able to put him in his place, but felt myself getting a little down due to this lie. I had no such thing planned and found myself wishing I did.

I decided to go to the gym, pound my frustration into the treadmill. Well, there were a lot of people there. And I felt very much like a fly on the wall. I saw a couple of elderly woman. One woman has lost her husband already and was talking about going to visit his grave then go through their album. She didn’t sound sad, she actually sounded excited. I came to the conclution that this day had special memories for her and she was not going to waste her sadness on a day with such good memories. The other woman talked about going dancing or dinner with her husband of almost 60 years. I couldn’t help but smile at this but felt my heart sink slightly.

Another girl was talking to her girl friend, complaining how her boyfriend had to work on V-Day but said she was going to go visit him at work (I took it he worked at a restaurant or something) so they could walk home together. Her friend felt she should just dump his ass for not taking the night off. She said that was what she would do. Her friend disagreed.

Another group of girls were complaining about the plans their others were planning. Not romantic enough, not big enough, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to slap so many of them. If your other is taking the time to plan a night for you, you should appreciate it! Same with some guys. They were commenting that, if their other didn’t dress “sexy” enough, they would not get sex. This rattles my brain. On the way out of the gym, I hear a woman talking to her friend, who is a guy. She was saying how she wouldn’t get much sleep tonight. Her friend made a comment, that sounded a bit threatening about cheating on her husband. The woman, shocked, explains how she would be waiting for a call from her husband who was overseas.

On my way home, I find myself thinking about how much people take this day for granted. If you love someone, you should express it to them always, not just one day of the year. But there are those who express their love more on this day, make it special.

I find myself feeling very lonely. I usually don’t care about being single, but being reminded what was planned for this day has put me in a slump. I mean, it shouldn’t, but it does. Everything romantic, is making me feel worse. And it shouldn’t! But it is.

I find myself wanting someone to care for me very deeply. I find myself longing for another being to love me as much as I would love them. I am crying because I am alone on a Hallmark holiday that I should not be obsessing over!

But I am.

I don’t want the big romantic gestures (though I would not complain) but the feeling of being loved as a woman, not as a friend or a buddy, but as a woman. And I have had friends offer to lay with me, that isn’t the problem. The problem is that, at the end of the day, I am still just a friend. I am not a significant other.

I want to be loved. I want to have that other half.

And to think, I would have been fine if not for that stupid phone call.


Peace, Love and All that Jazz,
~Talls