Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

I sometimes wonder what I could have done for my life to be different now.  If I had  taken that scholarship to Bowling Green University, would I still be a sophomore in college, almost 3 years later?  If I kept living with my mom, would I still be struggling with  myself and my identity?  If I had left my father's house for good, would I still be living out of my car?

All these what ifs haunt me everyday.  And it is scary for me.  But, I know that if I didn't do what I have done, I wouldn't be here today.  I wouldn't be working hard to go to school for something I love, I wouldn't be with someone who I love more than I love myself, I wouldn't have a best friend who not only I can rely on, but also relies on me.  I wouldn't have a group of good friends who put themselves on the line for me.

But, there are things I still want to do.  I want to graduate.  I want to get a book published.  I want to move out of my dad's house and have the independence that I so crave.  I want to have a better relationship with my family.  I want my Happily Ever After (or as close as I can get).

But sadly, life does get in the way.  I find myself fighting with my father, who I love and respect dearly.  I find myself second guessing myself and my relationships with the people I love most.  I find myself unmotivated and struggling to get so again.  I find myself dreaming of things that might not be possible.  I find myself wanting to help everyone I care for in every way possible.  But I am just one person.  I can't do it all.  But I try.

But sometimes I wonder if I try hard enough.

Why?

I need to just go live on the moon or something.  There, I wouldn't have to worry about romance.  At all.  Period.

I'm stuck in this giant, huge, annoying love triangle thing...where I am on the outside once again.  I like two people and one of them is taken.  But they are attracted to each other....and here I'm going "fuck".

When it comes to romance, I give decent advice.  Can't take my own advice but few people can.  And when I give advice on romance, their romance gets better.  And when I date people the people who they end up with after me make them super happy.

But I am still alone.

I literally feel sick to my stomach.  And I have no idea what to do.  So...ticket to the moon?  Anyone know a travel agent?  If so, let me know.