I don't understand my brain sometimes. My dreams haunt me, even when they aren't nightmares. Sometimes I wish they were, so I could just write them off as my anxiety and my over active imagination. But that is not the case sadly. This was a nice dream, one I can remember which is a shock. I kissed someone I shouldn't have kissed.
And it was nice.
Jeeze, I just can't win can I?
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Sometimes, you wish and forget
Or wish you could forget.
I actually almost forgot about this blog, and I was just thinking about making a new one when I remembered "Oh, yeah, this is a thing". Its not like I haven't been blogging, I actually have been blogging a bit on another site, but that one is a bit...NSFW. If you don't know what that means, means you are not old enough to read it.
But, I find myself, usually when I'm sick because I have nothing better to do, thinking about the past. And it is the past I don't necessarily want to think about. Old relationships I wish weren't gone, past failures, blah, blah, blah. But, mainly, I think about a future that probably won't happen. And that terrifies me. Because, it makes me nervous, and sad, and lonely.
I fall for people I shouldn't. And thinking about a could be and shouldn't be. And its...an awful feeling. And I can't help it.
Oh well.
I actually almost forgot about this blog, and I was just thinking about making a new one when I remembered "Oh, yeah, this is a thing". Its not like I haven't been blogging, I actually have been blogging a bit on another site, but that one is a bit...NSFW. If you don't know what that means, means you are not old enough to read it.
But, I find myself, usually when I'm sick because I have nothing better to do, thinking about the past. And it is the past I don't necessarily want to think about. Old relationships I wish weren't gone, past failures, blah, blah, blah. But, mainly, I think about a future that probably won't happen. And that terrifies me. Because, it makes me nervous, and sad, and lonely.
I fall for people I shouldn't. And thinking about a could be and shouldn't be. And its...an awful feeling. And I can't help it.
Oh well.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Sometimes Life Gets in the Way
I sometimes wonder what I could have done for my life to be different now. If I had taken that scholarship to Bowling Green University, would I still be a sophomore in college, almost 3 years later? If I kept living with my mom, would I still be struggling with myself and my identity? If I had left my father's house for good, would I still be living out of my car?
All these what ifs haunt me everyday. And it is scary for me. But, I know that if I didn't do what I have done, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be working hard to go to school for something I love, I wouldn't be with someone who I love more than I love myself, I wouldn't have a best friend who not only I can rely on, but also relies on me. I wouldn't have a group of good friends who put themselves on the line for me.
But, there are things I still want to do. I want to graduate. I want to get a book published. I want to move out of my dad's house and have the independence that I so crave. I want to have a better relationship with my family. I want my Happily Ever After (or as close as I can get).
But sadly, life does get in the way. I find myself fighting with my father, who I love and respect dearly. I find myself second guessing myself and my relationships with the people I love most. I find myself unmotivated and struggling to get so again. I find myself dreaming of things that might not be possible. I find myself wanting to help everyone I care for in every way possible. But I am just one person. I can't do it all. But I try.
But sometimes I wonder if I try hard enough.
All these what ifs haunt me everyday. And it is scary for me. But, I know that if I didn't do what I have done, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be working hard to go to school for something I love, I wouldn't be with someone who I love more than I love myself, I wouldn't have a best friend who not only I can rely on, but also relies on me. I wouldn't have a group of good friends who put themselves on the line for me.
But, there are things I still want to do. I want to graduate. I want to get a book published. I want to move out of my dad's house and have the independence that I so crave. I want to have a better relationship with my family. I want my Happily Ever After (or as close as I can get).
But sadly, life does get in the way. I find myself fighting with my father, who I love and respect dearly. I find myself second guessing myself and my relationships with the people I love most. I find myself unmotivated and struggling to get so again. I find myself dreaming of things that might not be possible. I find myself wanting to help everyone I care for in every way possible. But I am just one person. I can't do it all. But I try.
But sometimes I wonder if I try hard enough.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Why?
I need to just go live on the moon or something. There, I wouldn't have to worry about romance. At all. Period.
I'm stuck in this giant, huge, annoying love triangle thing...where I am on the outside once again. I like two people and one of them is taken. But they are attracted to each other....and here I'm going "fuck".
When it comes to romance, I give decent advice. Can't take my own advice but few people can. And when I give advice on romance, their romance gets better. And when I date people the people who they end up with after me make them super happy.
But I am still alone.
I literally feel sick to my stomach. And I have no idea what to do. So...ticket to the moon? Anyone know a travel agent? If so, let me know.
I'm stuck in this giant, huge, annoying love triangle thing...where I am on the outside once again. I like two people and one of them is taken. But they are attracted to each other....and here I'm going "fuck".
When it comes to romance, I give decent advice. Can't take my own advice but few people can. And when I give advice on romance, their romance gets better. And when I date people the people who they end up with after me make them super happy.
But I am still alone.
I literally feel sick to my stomach. And I have no idea what to do. So...ticket to the moon? Anyone know a travel agent? If so, let me know.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Seriously?
My parents are home for two minutes, 2 MINUTES! And they are all up in my business! Just because I am a teen (only in the name of the number, I will be 20 in March) they think that I has some fucking wild party and had, like group sex or something!
And they think that, just because I stayed at a friends house, who happens to be a guy, we are in a physical relationship!
No. Just no.
As much as I would like to be in a relationship with him, I'm still too pissed about Vince to worry about dating right now, I'm trying to figure out my own god damn life and he is taken!
Its mostly the taken bit holding me back. I do not jump in and try to take someone's man. No. That has happened to me too many times for me to do it.
And like I have said before, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE JUST FOR THE FUCKING HELL OF IT! NO! THAT IS NOT HOW I ROLL!
And then, my stepbrother basically ignored my parents the entire time they were gone, so I got pulled through unnecessary bullshit!
"Where's Max? Where's Max? Tell Max to call me. Tell Max to plug in his phone."
Gee, thanks for asking me how my day is going. Or calling to say hi.
And that is just my dad and stepmom.
Me and my real mom havent spoken in months after me refusing to go see family BECAUSE I WAS WORKING! What do you want me to do!? Tell my boss that seeing my cousin from Texas is more important then the job he just hired me to do?!
No. Just no.
I am now planning on moving out of my dad's house as soon as I can. I am looking for a second, full time job to start putting my money away. I'm sick of this bullshit.
Peace, Love, and All that Jazz,
~Talls
And they think that, just because I stayed at a friends house, who happens to be a guy, we are in a physical relationship!
No. Just no.
As much as I would like to be in a relationship with him, I'm still too pissed about Vince to worry about dating right now, I'm trying to figure out my own god damn life and he is taken!
Its mostly the taken bit holding me back. I do not jump in and try to take someone's man. No. That has happened to me too many times for me to do it.
And like I have said before, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE JUST FOR THE FUCKING HELL OF IT! NO! THAT IS NOT HOW I ROLL!
And then, my stepbrother basically ignored my parents the entire time they were gone, so I got pulled through unnecessary bullshit!
"Where's Max? Where's Max? Tell Max to call me. Tell Max to plug in his phone."
Gee, thanks for asking me how my day is going. Or calling to say hi.
And that is just my dad and stepmom.
Me and my real mom havent spoken in months after me refusing to go see family BECAUSE I WAS WORKING! What do you want me to do!? Tell my boss that seeing my cousin from Texas is more important then the job he just hired me to do?!
No. Just no.
I am now planning on moving out of my dad's house as soon as I can. I am looking for a second, full time job to start putting my money away. I'm sick of this bullshit.
Peace, Love, and All that Jazz,
~Talls
Sunday, October 28, 2012
If I was single, I would ____ you.
I hate that line more than I can possibly say. "If I was single"? Really? Do not say that to someone. Seriously. I do not want to know what you would do if you were single because you are not. And, even if you become single, I might not want to have much to do with you in that way because 1) I don't want to be a rebound, and 2) its not fair to anyone else, especially the person you just ended it with.
My friends, who most of them are dating each other, tell me this all the time. All. The. Time. I have a policy of not dating friends as is (if I can help it) and not being with those who are already with someone (not only is it polite, but then I don't feel like shit when they decide to stay with their one partner). I don't want to hear about IF you break up with the person you are with now! Because I kinda like that you are with the person you are with now! And, again, the "no dating friends" policy.
I don't want to be rebound. I want someone to date me because they want to be with me. Part of me often thinks they want to "be" with me because I am the only person in our group of friends they have not been with, or with anyone for that matter! "Forbidden Fruit" whatever. It makes me feel like shit honestly! I want the intimacy that they have with their other. I would love to have that! But, as people know, I suck at relationships it seems. And, I want to be cared about romantically, and I feel like by saying that sentence, it feels like to me that you wouldn't do that for me.
But I swear, if I hear that sentence one more time, I will break something.
Peace, Love and all that Jazz
~Talls
My friends, who most of them are dating each other, tell me this all the time. All. The. Time. I have a policy of not dating friends as is (if I can help it) and not being with those who are already with someone (not only is it polite, but then I don't feel like shit when they decide to stay with their one partner). I don't want to hear about IF you break up with the person you are with now! Because I kinda like that you are with the person you are with now! And, again, the "no dating friends" policy.
I don't want to be rebound. I want someone to date me because they want to be with me. Part of me often thinks they want to "be" with me because I am the only person in our group of friends they have not been with, or with anyone for that matter! "Forbidden Fruit" whatever. It makes me feel like shit honestly! I want the intimacy that they have with their other. I would love to have that! But, as people know, I suck at relationships it seems. And, I want to be cared about romantically, and I feel like by saying that sentence, it feels like to me that you wouldn't do that for me.
But I swear, if I hear that sentence one more time, I will break something.
Peace, Love and all that Jazz
~Talls
Monday, September 10, 2012
When You Get So Annoyed, You Feel Used
I am sure we have all felt this way. But often times, it feels like I can't even get my point across without getting brushed off or being called a bitch.
And it is this last one that pisses me off.
I'm not trying to be a bitch. Other say that I do not act like a bitch. But when one person, ONE person says that other people are saying I am like this and when those other people have no idea what I am talking about, it makes me even madder. And when I am trying to be serious, because it is a serious situation for me, and a person continually tells me to stop being so bitchy, I get pissed off!
And this has happen, more than once with only one person! She has been my friend forever and I am trying to hard to think she is doing what is best. But if I give into her, I get in trouble with other people. And I don't want that either. I went as far as to see if I could find a place to crash somewhere else on the weekends and she would have to drive herself to where we usually stay! And a part of me really wants to do that, but I can't because her family can not afford to have her take a car to keep for the weekend, they work!
But at the same time, having people telling me they heard that I am being mean, or acting bitchy, or something along those lines, and they are really not, pisses me off to no tomorrow! And because I didn't want people to say that, I got into a huge amount of trouble with my FAMILY and my dad, who is one of the most lenient people on the planet! And I feel awful!
I have no idea what to do. But in my entire life, I have been people's emotional punching bag. And that bothers me and scares me. And I thought I have moved out of that state in my life.
Apparently not, because I am under her thumb again.
I have no idea what to do. I feel so lost.
And it is this last one that pisses me off.
I'm not trying to be a bitch. Other say that I do not act like a bitch. But when one person, ONE person says that other people are saying I am like this and when those other people have no idea what I am talking about, it makes me even madder. And when I am trying to be serious, because it is a serious situation for me, and a person continually tells me to stop being so bitchy, I get pissed off!
And this has happen, more than once with only one person! She has been my friend forever and I am trying to hard to think she is doing what is best. But if I give into her, I get in trouble with other people. And I don't want that either. I went as far as to see if I could find a place to crash somewhere else on the weekends and she would have to drive herself to where we usually stay! And a part of me really wants to do that, but I can't because her family can not afford to have her take a car to keep for the weekend, they work!
But at the same time, having people telling me they heard that I am being mean, or acting bitchy, or something along those lines, and they are really not, pisses me off to no tomorrow! And because I didn't want people to say that, I got into a huge amount of trouble with my FAMILY and my dad, who is one of the most lenient people on the planet! And I feel awful!
I have no idea what to do. But in my entire life, I have been people's emotional punching bag. And that bothers me and scares me. And I thought I have moved out of that state in my life.
Apparently not, because I am under her thumb again.
I have no idea what to do. I feel so lost.
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